And that’s fine, at the end of the day, I’m not forcing you or anyone else to read it. OP asked for a specific fear, and I responded - that’s all.

Hmm, do you mean whether they’d find an answer (or even what the answer might be)? If so, it’s tough to say.

Edit: This is a much longer response than I intended to give… My bad!

One of the issues I’ve been dealing with for example is I’m constantly incredibly tired. The feeling that most people have when they first wake up for a couple of minutes where they’re not fully awake even though they’re “physically awake” is the closest I can describe it, except I have it all day most of the time.

Doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, the result ends up pretty much being the same. I do often have sleep issues, but sometimes I think that it’s a cyclical result of me being too tired throughout the day and thus not doing enough, and so my brain doesn’t think that it’s time to sleep because I haven’t done anything (but then because I don’t sleep well, the next day I still end up doing “not enough” because I’m even more tired from the lack of sleep)… I’m not even sure if that makes sense, but when I bring it up to doctors they don’t seem to think it’s a crazy theory.

Trying to find out the root cause though has not been easy, as sadly lethargy and fatigue are very generic symptoms - the amount of things that can cause it (even on a chronic level like mine) is… quite a list. And then if you eliminate one, that doesn’t mean that others aren’t affecting you either.

So for example, it’s common for me to be low on iron and other essential vitamin levels because I have Crohn’s Disease which one of the side effects is that you have a hard time absorbing those nutrients. Nowadays I consistently see a hematologist who checks for these things, and I can have iron infusions done to fix low iron levels.

A couple of years ago, my results were so low that the lab tech called my doctor saying it was dangerously low, who then called me at 8PM in the day saying that I needed to drop what I was doing and go straight to the ER for an emergency blood transfusion. One of the jobs of iron to my understanding is to be a binder for oxygen so that it can be carried throughout your body - if it gets too low, you risk your organs basically not getting enough.

Then last year we found out my testosterone levels were practically that of an 80 year old man - I’m in my late 20s… So I had to start TRT, and everyone hoped that would be the magical fix - sadly, it wasn’t (though it still needed to be addressed anyways). That however comes with its own issues.

Now they want me to get a sleep study done because their next idea is that I might just never (or very rarely) be entering REM sleep - if you don’t enter REM sleep, then you’re pretty much not actually sleeping (an 8 hour sleep without REM is practically just an 8 hour “power nap”). But even if that were the case, and we got it fixed, there’s still no guarantees that there isn’t some other issue that is triggering the fatigue.

As to my gut feeling, I know there is certainly an answer - I just don’t know what the answer is. But there is absolutely zero chance that the majority of the humans on this planet can go about their lives and actually be awake with enough energy to do “normal things” such as work an 8 hour day, and that I’m somehow that unique to just be missing some vital gene or such, especially when I used to be among those people. I haven’t even hit my thirties yet!

Somewhere along the way, something went critically wrong and I lost that “ability”, but as to what that “something” is I unfortunately just don’t know because after all these years I’ve exhausted the list of things I think it could be based off my limited medical knowledge (I of course never went to medical school, but living with an autoimmune disease since before you even started puberty you do at least learn a little bit).

I guess the other tangential fear I have is that I’ll spend the rest of my “good years” trying to figure this out, and that eventually the doctors will just blame it on old age. Time only flows in one direction, once March 16th 2025 has come and gone, it’ll never swing by again - there’s no do-over if they just don’t find the answer in time.

If I smelled like piss for just one day, I’d rather never know about it. If I always smelled like piss, I’d rather know.

Work was very supportive of me during that time, excluding my direct supervisor, who nearly ended up being fired over it. I had support from friends that helped as well.

But it being a suicide added so much more taboo to it. His birth giving parent (is a trans man) was raised very religious and had a hard time telling people it was a suicide, so I kept it quiet. Eventually they announced the suicide and me being able to talk about it in that sense really helped me a lot.

It was 11 1/2 years ago, he would be 29 years this year.

At least your parents like metric! That’s gotta count!

But seriously, no license is needed to become a parent, one of the greatest responsibilities IMO. Maybe they don’t actually hate you, and just don’t know to parent good. If they hated your guts, why would they (badly?) raise you instead of giving you in adoption the moment you were born?