(San Francisco, CA) As the US Government is slowly collapsed in the pursuit of government efficiency, other competitors in the coin space are also reaching out to tap into this new, unexplored area of blockchain profitability. LiteCoin, a smaller, blockchain-based token that touts itself as equivalent to BitCoin or DogeCoin, has opened the “Legislative Inefficiency Termination Executive,” or LITE, as an alternative means to reduce government function under the guise of cost saving and efficiency.
Their office, based in Washington DC and opening next week, will seek to also reduce government waste and spending, while also acting like a government agency. “We plan to show up places and demand information, and then make sudden, reckless actions that create headlines, and hopefully help our coin price,” said one LiteCoin enthusiast over Skype. “We plan to innovate exactly like the larger agency, just not as well… just like in the original coin space.”
When asked how this would improve the government, the reaction was glib. “Clearly you haven’t spent much time in the coin space. The money will come - this is about innovation. We can create a replica of the leading ideas, and refine them in a space we our coins profit. This government idea is just like when NFTs were created, and we need to get in now, while there is still value.”
Economists were not as optimistic about the plan. Said one, “Look, maybe they should just give a bunch of coins to the president in a bag marked ‘bribe,’ I don’t know. My NSF funding is cut off, I haven’t had time to look into it.
“I have a large frappachino for Kara,” he added.
While LiteCoin has joined the fray, the most valuable coin, Bitcoin, does not seem to be joining in yet. And with Tiktok having limited bandwidth in America, no coin bros were able to comment by deadline.
This isn’t The Onion’s fault, but the world has gotten so stupid, I don’t even know what this headline is suggesting anymore, or how things like “DOGE” and “LiteCoin” are actual words, spoken by real humans, who understand their meaning.
I’m waiting for the 2029 headlines that say:
“President Dollywap engages the fruitasmo thrusters to engage the roryxorp.”
And other people will nod their heads, and say “Uh-huh, uh-huh, sure sure sure. I fully understand the severity of the situation.”
But then The Onion will write a headline:
“President Dollywap removes the motortino thrashers to disengage the roryxorpilly.”
And people will be like “Ha ha ha! Another quality zinger from The Onion! I mean, can you imagine? Disengaging the roryxorpillies??? Hoooo boy! What a day that would be! Dollywap would have some explaining to do!”
And another person would say “Dammit! I ate the onion on this one. I was real worried for a second…”
Meanwhile I would be like "Ya know what? Screw this. I’m turning off the tv. I’m cancelling the internet. It’s been said that you can either watch the news and be misinformed, or not watch the news and be uninformed. Well I chose uninformed! The fucking lot of you have gone nuts, and I’m just going to go home and do the only sane thing I can think of…go build lego sets in my underwear.
Username checks out
Fantastic headline lol
You’re on the edge. You’re going into too much detail for satire or parody.
Focus less on the “who”, and replace that with more generalized statements. Speaking directly to how something could possibly happen sort of misses the comedic point. You don’t need it to be realistic unless you’re actually performing it. This is text, and absurd ideas would be better read.
Even performed, you don’t have to be this specific. This is why the “modern” redditwritesseinfelds don’t work so often imo. They go way too specific and make jokes about individual apps, or devices. I can only think of one Seinfeld episode that really relied on any technology beyond a car or a phone call, and it was the one where they had to swap voicemail tapes, which was mostly physical comedy anyway
It’s gotta be about the human experience first! Too many proper nouns just confuses the plot
Both of you make really good points, and I feel using blockchain would fix these issues in my posts.
I think you could have taken it even one step further into abstraction, and said that this new office would be run by, like, Amway (or whatever ponzi scheme seems most culturally relevant)
That way, it’s specific, but to evoke, just, general scamminess
