A year ago, Franky Dean, a 24-year-old documentary film-making master’s student, decided to make a phone call she’d been avoiding nearly half her life. She was sitting in a dark computer room in New York University’s journalism institute in Manhattan when she FaceTimed her parents. They were in the living room at her home in the UK, where she grew up. Franky told them she’d just filed a police report about something that had happened more than a decade earlier. When Franky was 12, she had been sexually abused by a close friend’s dad.
And then her mum said two words that would change her life, again, for ever: “We know.”
It was meant to be a climactic moment – a revelation that Franky had been building up to for years. Instead, it was the beginning of another story – the unravelling of a shadow narrative that spanned half of Franky’s life. It’s a story about what happens when police assume survivors of sexual abuse to be “unknowing victims” – a series of misinterpretations and missteps that amounted to Franky spending 12 years hiding her abuse from her parents while they spent 12 years hiding it from her.
That’s genuinely entirely insane.
Not notifying them should be a serious crime with no defense or mitigating factors and an extremely long minimum sentence.
They have to know.
People have an equal right to not want to know something
The trauma happened. Gaslighting them into thinking it didn’t can’t make them better. Your brain still processes shit whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.
There is no possible healthy path forward that doesn’t involve knowing reality. “Not wanting to know” isn’t possible without knowing what you supposedly don’t want to know. Not telling them is not, under any circumstances, forgivable.
They have to know, and they have to have to get therapy. There’s no other path to recovery.
That implies they knew.
Not consciously knowing doesn’t mean their brain isn’t affected.
Not telling them is gaslighting whether they’re consciously aware or not.